The year is 2021. 

No one knows it, but there’s been an alien infestation.

20 years ago, a ship landed on Earth carrying 20 million гу-гы from the planet гу-гу гa-гa. 

The гу-гы landed on Earth with a mission: take over the human race. Their planet was dying (blach) and they needed (blach) new bodies to inhabit (blach), you know the jist. 

The гу-гы’s plan was to land in the Ocean, which takes up 70% of the planet’s surface. They figured they would be able to infiltrate through the ears of humans swimming in the Ocean. 

However, there was quite a clerical snafu. Due to the thick cortical tissue of the young human brain, the гу-гы couldn’t quite sink their teeth into every body they came across. The only brains they could infiltrate were brains that had mushed over time: those of the elderly. Something about the degeneration of neurons (brain cells) due to prions (misfolded proteins) caused elderly human brain tissue to soften such that the гу-гы could enter.

The гу-гы entered through the ears of the few and far between agéd individuals in the Ocean. Here are some examples of how they might enter: 

1. Josie Miller: A grandmother who dipped her head a little too low while teaching her grandson, Eugene, to swim. 

2. Sitoka Lazarus: A marathoner with arthritis whose new plight is to swim the seven seas. 

3. Karlsbad Onnotat: A 75 y/o man with a brain disorder which only allows him to urinate in large bodies of water. 

4. Ranold “The Grinder” Jahnsan: A Rhode Island Native intent on the polar plunge.

5. Luca Nathan Boyo: A man who believes he’s a merman. 

The main symptom of a гу-гы infection: complete and total lack of technological savvy.

One of these such infected centurions was a Mr. Bernard (Bernie) Siegel. 

Bernie was 79 in 2002. Bernie had two grandchildren of the ages 1 and 5. Bernie was a grumpy old man. 

Google Search was released in 2002. 

In 2002, Bernie’s son Marc, the father of these two children, asked Bernie to take them to the beach for the day. A firm believer in the throw them in the deep end method, Bernie brought his grandchildren to the beach and threw in the older of the two. 

At the age of 5, Joshua was not a good swimmer. 

I think you might understand where this story is going. 

Joshua didn’t come up. 

Bernard jumped in. 

Joshua and Bernard emerged from the water, while I (at 1 year old) sat pretty on a towel a few feet away. While only in the water for a few seconds, it was time enough for a handful of гу-гы to jump in his ear. 

While they toweled off, Joshua assured Bernard that Marc would never know, and the гу-гы crawled through the holes in Bernard’s brain. 

Eighteen years later, Bernard had three grandchildren aged 15, 19, and 23. The COVID-19 pandemic was in full-swing and despite living a 30 min drive from them, Bernard had not seen his grandchildren in months. 

Bernard was lonely and bored. Him and his wife, Annette, spent their days reading and trying to frequent buffets with no prevail (they were all closed due to “the virus”). Bridge club was canceled, the clubhouse was closed, and nothing was good on TV - they’d seen every Richard Gere movie there is or ever was. 

Most of all, they missed the youthful energy of their grandkids. 

But, they couldn’t work that goddam facetime! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Bernard (B) and Annette (A) sit across from each other on a set of plastic-encased “grandmother love-seats,” reading*

*Their conversation is yelled*

*Facetime ring*

*Facetime ring*

*Facetime ring* 

B: “Annette! Do you hear that?”

A: “Hear what?”

B: “That!”

A: “I don’t hear anything.”

 B: “Turn your hearing aids up!”

*A turns her hearing aids up*

B:“Do you hear it now?”

A:“It’s some kind of ringing”

*The telephone rings*

A:“I’ll get it.”

*A gets the telephone*

A:“Hello, how are you?”

A:“You’re trying to face-time? What’s that?”

A:“Bern, Rebecca says to get the IPad.”
B:“What IP- Oh. I’ll get it.”

*B walks to the bedroom and back.*

A:“Bern, where’s the IPad?”

B:“Oh! I forgot what I went in there for.”

*B goes back to the room to get the IPad.*

A:“He’s back with the IPad. Rebecca says she’ll call again”

*Facetime ring*

*Facetime ring*

*Facetime ring*

A:“Bern, she says to pick it up.” 

B:“How do I do that?”

A:“She says open the case and swipe with your finger where it says to swipe.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the moment, Bernard’s brain had hundreds of thousands of microscopic гу-гы running around the sulci, looking for places to settle so that they could gain control of his body. The гу-гы had not realized how complex the human brain would be. They could not figure out how to get in control. The reason why a гу-гы infiltration caused technological unsavvy is because they resided in the prefrontal cortex of the brain. The prefrontal cortex is the decision-making cortex (where decisions such as how to pick up a facetime call might be made). The гу-гы believed that the key to controlling the body was in the decision making cortex. And, because the гу-гы resided in the sulci, whenever the individual tried to make a decision, including those regarding technology, the гу-гы were in the way of the neurons sending messages to each other. What the гу-гы didn’t know was that they were looking in the wrong place. They were in the prefrontal cortex when they were looking for motor control, which is located in the central lobes. 

Anywho, Bernie’s brain was blasting away, trying to send messages about how to answer the facetime. These messages, sent in action potentials (an energy signal from one neuron to the next), created an energy storm around the гу-гы. They were shocked and shocked and shocked by Bernard’s old engineer brain. 

Bernie’s old brain cells would not give up. He wanted to see his grandchildren and his brain would do anything to make that happen. They fired signal after signal, trying to interpret what “slide your finger where it tells you to slide” meant. 

Meanwhile the гу-гы were dying. They were being shocked and shocked and shocked by brain signals until they all went POOF. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

B:“Oh! Annette, I think I got it!”

*B shows A the screen*

A:“There she is! Our girl!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While Bernard may have continued to suffer the consequences of being old (like not being able to drive a Toyota Camry to “the Buffet”), he certainly never misunderstood how to pick up a facetime call again.